Sunday, February 06, 2005

Grunt and Moan-ials

I was once asked to compile the testimonials I've written for people on Friendster. The dude who requested the compilation wanted it to read on the crapper. Just in case you've gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, right now, here are some of my greatest hits from f-ster, in no particular order:

ON ROBERT: Your shamrock shake brings boys to the yard...and they're like "You Leprechaun whore...Damn right...you Lucky Charms whore..." I could Sheela Na Gig you...but I'd have to charge.

ON AARON: My mother is queen of her coffee klatsch now that I'm best friends with Jason Emmanuel Gould.

ON AMY: Just thinking about Amy makes my ginie tingle...and then hurt so good. She'll rock for booze - that's why I love her.

ON BLOSSOM: I love to make Blossom laugh - she's got a great, luxurious laugh...the kind that explodes and rolls without making you (me) feel cheap and easy. She can also put the brakes on shit that's going nowhere in a hurry with a simple, understated glance.

ON AIMEE: Oh, Miss Aimee. Those hot, wet, sloppy sex-toy strewn goodtimes we had smoking, throwing food and terrorizing the less-fortunate in college...and that was just what we did in the cafe at lunch.

ON JESSICA: Hysterical...provocative...intelligent...delicious...and that's only from the waist down.

ON JOELLE: She may be a vegetarian, but she definitely gets her fair share of meat in her mouth.

ON JOAN: Joan taught me to climb ev'ry mountain, to fjord ev'ry stream, to follow ev'ry bi-way, until I got some cream. I followed her advice closely - and ended up deliciously face down in a pool of my own filth.

ON JUAN: I once caught Juan making out with Justin Timberlake at a party. When confronted about it later, Juan said: "Justin who?". That's how you know he for real.

ON MELISSA: I love your ginie. Especially when it's in the palm of my hand while we're slow dancing to Duran Duran's "Say a Prayer"...some people call it a one-night stand, but we can call it paradise.

ON PATTY: Patty is frequently on tour with Juliette Lewis' band The Licks. An avid groupie, Patty quizzes J.L. on topics like: "Facial Tics from 'The Other Sister'", "Strokin' Brad Pitt's Bone", and "How to Clean a Chain Mail Bikini With Woolite in a Motel Sink". When asked if and how much she was paid for such groupie antics, Patty replied: "Nah. I'm just in it for the tit-warshin'."

ON TORREY: Torrey (aka Courtney D'Amico-DeMarco) is the kind of tough, Tretorn wearing smart kid who never paid attention in class because he was either studying M Magazine, deconstructing the latest Charivari ad or fantasizing about his math teacher's socks. After getting busted for these mental antics, his reply would surely have been to - with much ado -saunter out of class to smoke. In short, he's my kind of broad.