Monday, February 28, 2005

Much Ado About Not Much, Really

A question plagues me this Monday of Mondays:

Why are the Oscars growing more tiresome year by year?

Beyond bored, I couldn't even make it to the final big three awards. I knew Clint Eastwood would win Best Director, that Jamie Foxx would win Best Actor, and that Million Dollar Baby might win Best Picture. Faced with the fact that I knew this already, sleep was a far better alternative.

However, there was one truly astounding moment of hilarity that happened during the telecast.


For some surreal reason, Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz presented the technical awards for Sound Editing and Sound Mixing. They were both coiffed in the same poofy up-do and both mangled the English language in the sweetest, most-es-Spanishesy way. They each had to read so much information and utter so many many names. Both cooed and fluttered over difficult nominee last names, yet banged and knocked the syllabic emphasis of words around like Hilary Swank in the final fight of "Million Dollar Baby." All I could think was: what cracked out faggot-ass producer decided to have the only two non-native English speakers up as presenters for the most convoluted, techy-mumbo-jumbo category? Were we to only gaze lovingly at their cleavage and ignore the content of what they had to say?

Well, try to say, anyway.

All the while, both women looked stunningly, um, too much like each other.

They also seemed a little perturbed at the situation. I was quietly hoping for the duo to get pissy with each other and start a raging, hair-pulling, name-callling, dress-tearing, nail-cracking, jewelry-flying, false-eyelash-popping, bitch-slapping, one-breast-showing, high-heel-breaking, muff-flashing, earrings-hurling, make-up-mashing, plastic-surgery-scars-revealing, no-holds-barred ladies-balls-to-the-wall catfight on stage.

Alas, my dream did not come true.

It was also nice to see Natalie Portman, presenting an award shortly after she lost to the more-deserving Cate Blanchett, not even fucking try to be happy or up-beat post-loss. Miss P. was pissed off, and wonderfully, amazingly not afraid to show it.

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