Monday, March 07, 2005

Make Way for the Mother Load

Something crucial to my being has been absent for the last 15 years. I knew something hasn't been quite right with me for the last decade and a half. I thought maybe it was just all that pot I smoked in college or the long-term side effects of abusing Sudafed every spring. But on a fateful night last December, I finally realized what it was.

I went to see the movie "Closer", which was immature, talky, and altogether annoying. However, my $10.50 did not go wasted. Before "Closer" churned its bloated butt onto the screen, here was a preview for a light romantic comedy starring Jennifer Lopez. In this preview, J.Lo is driving in a car with her fiance on her way to meet his mother. J.Lo is nervous, despite the fact that her man (hunky Michael Vartan) is comforting her, telling her she has nothing to worry about. Their car pulls onto the grounds of a huge estate, and there in the garden is a woman, seen from behind, presumably the fiance's mother, in a huge, deliriously obnoxious white hat.

The head-in-the-hat turns slowly toward the couple to reveal what's gone missing from my life...

Jane. Fonda.

I do believe I soiled myself slightly the second I saw her.

Jane Fonda is finally returning to the screen (in the film "Monster-In-Law") after a strange and downright daunting absence. Sure, not wanting to make crappy films is one thing...but Janey, did you have to tear off and marry Ted Turner?

Maybe Jane just got tired of being in the driver's seat. Now that she's been a quiet passenger for some time now, I would like to welcome her back to where she belongs.

1 comment:

Lital said...

whatever. id totally strippytease for clive owen. he'd talk me loud and and tell me what to do. i'd need to hold jude law's hand a bit, but we'd get there.

i love the running diatribe, "Liar! Coward! Writer!" that peppers their dialogue like Actors' Studio 101. It reminds me of summer camp at ACT.