Saturday, July 30, 2005

Eight Locations Worldwide

As the Meatpacking District struts further away from its trannie hooker past in $500 strappy sandals...

As the East Village lays down its tattooed arms, welcoming high-rise condos and families with strollers...

As every square inch of commercial real estate in Manhattan flips continually into malldom...

I fondly remember the cunty and hilarious advertising of the legendary uptown store Charivari. They used to run their black and white text/graphic only ads, casually stating the obvious: We are cooler than you. Don't forget, this was when New York still had its teeth...before a certain mayor extracted them all for fear of alienating tourists and mulit-channel retailers. (See also: the collected writings of Fran Lebowitz). Here are their three greatest hits (well, to be honest, after 15 years, the only three I can remember), that still make me laugh:

CHARIVARI. Never coming to a mall near you.

CHARIVARI. Baseball caps. Flannel. Goatees. Wake us when it's over.

CHARIVARI. (graphic map of Manhattan). Eight Locations Worldwide.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Darling Nikki

Here's something funny lifted from an email I wrote yesterday regarding Nicole Kidman's upcoming starring role as Diane Arbus in Fur. Below is a list of three other projects NK will be starting soon:

• Dali Lama bio pic (starring role, natch.) Basically Kundun minus the Philip Glass, with a heavy dose of Chanel.

• Remake of Last Tango in Paris directed by David Lynch. NK will gain weight to play the part Marlon Brando made famous. Dakota Fanning will co-star.

• Film version of Three's Company with Will Smith and Jessica Simpson. NK will tackle the deceptively non-descript role of Janet Wood. The weighted post-feminist subtext NK will assuredly bring to the part will be a show-stopper. Oscar nomination guaranteed.

Bring It On Again and Again And Again

After all my boasting that "it's on!@!", I'm shamefully creeping back here a week later with little inspiration to get it back on. I was once hot and bothered and a writing lethario, now I'm stuck and blocked and bloated and limp.

Here are things I would love to write about, but the words are short in coming at the moment:

• How much I love Maggie Gyllenhaal right now
• How Torrey has redeemed himself from the brink of permanent flakedom
• Lucas' Paris Hilton at dinner in L.A. encounter
• Rob's "New York beaches" drama
• The 1,001 stories from Linda Marie's recent East Coast "Love Machine" tour
• How much I am obsessed with my new Palm Treo named "Sharla"
• Why "The Comeback" is the greatest thing on television right now
• Why young fags need to study classic Hollywood films (Or, overheard thoughts on "Bring It On")
• Why Upstate New York is the new Fire Island
• Fond memories of Charivari's cunty advertising

So, let's just think of this list as a preview of coming attractions...hopefully coming soon to a BV near you.

(ed: Hey, that felt so good, I may even tackle one of these bitches later today.)

Friday, July 22, 2005

Night of a Thousand Stares (Part One)

I can't elaborate fully on last night's events right now due to time constraints. Here is a brief synopsis instead:

–Went to Schiller's Liquor Bar for dinner with 6 friends
–Confused by the grunge glam of the joint's bathroom area, walked into the Ladies' Room by mistake
–Hipster dude washing his hands refrained to say anything until a real Lady entered, which prompted him to growl: "Yo, some dude walked in there by mistake."
–While taking a taste of Torrey's drink later at another venue, the glass of fresh cherry daquiri exploded in my hand, sending frozen redness all over the place.

Again, whole story lata...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Blame It On the Flake (Or, Not So New Sensation)

I'm sorry but I feel morally obligated to do this.

I have to talk about my friend Torrey's flakiness in public again.

I just have to.

I promised I wouldn't...but I just can't help myself. He bagged on plans last night we had with Patty (like I knew he would) and simultaneously made me promise not to blog about it like I have before.

Twice.

That's all I'm sayin' yo...

I did watch the very odd/depressing/sad reality TV show where INXS tries to find a new lead singer. I can't decide which of the three is saddest:

1. The contestants

2. The need to publicly replace a talented, deceased performer with a karaoke style "rock" singer. (All of them, dudes included, seemingly sound like Cher).

3. The notion that without Michael Hutchence, the world has been waiting with bated breath for the return of INXS.

I'm just sayin' yo.

Now, Miss Janice Dickinson on the new Surreal Life...that's reality television talent baby.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Mary, Mary. Why You Buggin'?

I just read a kind of fucked up article in the movies section of nytimes.com...which inspired me to post these loverly church signs I made on a church sign generator a while ago. I'm not one to bag spirituality...at all. I am one to bag the hypocrisy associated with organized religion though. Enjoy.





It's On. That's Right, Bitch. It's On.

Yes, yes, y'all...it's been six weeks since I wrote anything.

It's hot. It's humid. It's sultry out there.

As I walk down my street to go get lunch, it's all I can do to not barf all over myself, it's so damned disgusting outside.

But...

There is much to tell and laughs to be had and my public has spoken. (That is, all three of you).

So I am opening the shades, descending the grand staircase and am relinquishing the Greta Garbo silent treatment as of today.

BV is back on...and ready to show out.