Saturday, March 31, 2007
Just Call Me Brute (Or, Notes on Effectiveness)
I tried to take a nap this afternoon. The weather isn't exactly suiting my mood - it's one of those too-sunny-to-be-indoors types of Saturdays - and I'd prefer it to be one of those too-rainy-to-do-anything-but-read types of Saturdays. So, anyway, I tried to take a nap - hoping that somehow, someway a massive weatherfront would move in while I was asleep and wreck the early Spring sunshine - at least for the remainder of the afternoon.
I just drifted off to sleep when my newish next door neighbor (which could be an illegal sublet - and, if it is, I'm a-gon' put my best pair of tight 70s lowslung Levi's and get all Serpico/Silkwood/Norma Rae whistleblower on her ass) clambered into her apartment, promptly turning on the most annoying music I have ever heard. Yep, it beats the other, upstairs neighbor's music hands down. After hearing what I heard this afternoon, I'd take boots-in-dryer gay disco tit-bang remixes any day.
The "music" that came from next door sounded like the soundtrack to a Japanese video game. Sorry, let me clarify: a girl's Japanese video game. One where you have to dance and sing and primp your hair and bitchslap and backstab your friends "Whitney" and "Tiffani" to get to the next round - when the "music" gets faster and faster.
Said another way - it sounded like the stylings of an inhouse DJ at a Sanrio superstore...or a Hello Kitty vibrator with a sound system attached to it (insert "boom box" joke here).
Cranky from the sun and the napitus interruptus, I paused and thought about what to do. I could be civilized and get up, put pants on, go next door and ask my new less-than-best friend to turn the shit down or...I could not get out of bed at all.
I chose the latter - with a manly variation.
Without getting up, I clenched my hand into a fist and pounded the wall - I gave it the usual "shut the fuck up" three strikes. It was loud - louder than I thought it'd sound. The frames above my bed shook and I heard the skid of heels on hardwood.
The sound of Hello Kitty, Live in Ibiza! was suddenly - thankfully - reduced to a whimper.
Made me think of a quote from a show I love: "The only thing violence has ever done is solve problems."
Never before has being a semi-barbarian felt so good.