Wednesday, May 30, 2007

What's the Matter Here? (Or, There Went My Neighborhood)

My neighborhood, formerly known as Gay Main Street USA, has been undergoing slight changes over the course of the last few years. Local businesses have been pushed out for a neverending supply of chain stores and Jamba Juices and Chipoltes and more and more heterosexuals have been taking up residence here. I don't have anything against urban heterosexuals, mind you. Except for one thing:

That breeding thing they do.

And...their insistance that having a child will not slow down their lives as city dwellers....not one bit. When in fact, child-rearing makes restaurants and stores and cafes in the city a living hell. A stroller the size of an SUV does not equate "fashion accessory" - no matter how expensive it may be.

Yesterday, walking down Eighth Avenue - formerly known as the Upper Chelsea Food Court and/or the Gay Boulevard of Broken Dreams, I saw a disturbing sight.

It stopped me dead in my tracks.

On the side of a phone booth - where - once upon a time - there would have been an ad for or or or there was...

An ad for a baby stroller.

Now, there has been some questionable shit posted in these phone booth ad slots...but nothing this bad.

A few years ago, there was a public service ad campaign that attempted to curtail Crystal Meth use in the gay community. The phonebooth ad marquees were choked with images of buff, grinning gay studs holding up cards that read "I'm Crystal Free and Sexy!".

Despite the earnest intentions of these ads, their message was really lost on me. Maybe because my idea of "drug use" isn't smoking something made out of boiled down Windex and Sudafed.

I prefer my Sudafed straight-up, see.

I frequently made up second lines to these "Crystal Free!" ads:

"I'm Crystal Free and Sexy...because I'm too busy being an alcoholic!"

"I'm Crystal Free and Sexy...because cocaine is a more expensive, classy drug!"

"I'm Crystal Free and Sexy...because I can't put my bong down long enough to get some!"

Goddamn, do I miss those annoying ads.

Hindsight's a motherfucker.

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