Tuesday, October 30, 2007

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (Or, Brother Bandito)

I've mentioned my brother here a few times...he lives in Washington D.C. and is, well, intensely heterosexual. He's a big, burly guy...he was in a fraternity...etc. etc. etc.

When he first moved to D.C. a number of years ago, I went down to see him as well as my friend Lucas who used to live there. The Friday night I was there, I had dinner with Lucas and a big group of his gay friends and my brother tagged along.

After dinner, the gays (naturally) were gearing up to hit a few bars. Knowing what was ahead, I turned to my brother and said - as diplomatically as possible:

"OK, dude. We're heading out - want to have brunch tomorrow?"

I got the surprising answer back:

"Where are you guys going? Gay bars?"

"Well...yeah. But I don't think you want to go with us."

Lucas and his friends - totally eavesdropping on our conversation on the street - were getting visibly excited.

"No, I'm serious," my brother continued. "I want to come too."

As the crowd decamped from the sidewalk outside the restaurant, one by one, Lucas and company pulled me aside to whisper things like:

"Omigod...is your brother gay??"


"Will you get pissed if I make out with your brother?"

I could only roll my eyes. I grew up with the kid, after all. While I was glued to Mommie Dearest on HBO and making things pretty, Jason was smashing toy trucks and watching sports and ignoring my mother. In other words, the guy is hetero through and through and through.

When we arrived at the first of several bars, my brother was grinning like a shit-eating cat. I asked him how he was doing.

"Oh, man. All these guys are checking me out. This attention is awesome, man!"

After a couple more drinks, we moved on to some sort of dance-ish bar (can't remember the name of it...) and after an hour or so, my brother completely disappeared.

I'll admit I was a little frantic. I was having morbid thoughts of one of Lucas's friends date-raping him after slipping him a mickey. I looked high and low and low and high for my brother until I finally found him...

Making out with a hot woman.

Naturally, what else are straight men to do in gay bars but that?

I left him there. Eventually, he found me and was - once again - grinning a grin to end all grins.

"So, you totally had an agenda tonight, didn't you?" I asked.

He laughed a low, mischievous laugh and said:

"Totally duude."


Big Daddy said...

Straight guys a gay bars always hookup because there's less competition from other dudes for the women who are there with their GBFs.


T$ said...

BD - totally. I just didn't expect it from my brother!

also of note, I found out later that he used "I'm cool and here with my gay brother" as part of his pick-up.

The Scott Blog said...

"intensely heterosexual," i love that.

DC is great, one of my favorite cities.

m00nchild said...

Ha. Why hit on a hot str8 guy when you can find a hot girl to hit on him for you.

You sure make me laff.

Anonymous said...

I have an intensely straight brother too, 4 years younger. He was also the first person I came out to and he is really cool about it. And he has gone with me and my cousin - his cousin too - to the gay bars and loved it. He still comes with us now and then.


Jessica said...

Hi, Jason! ::waves:: Trevor, it's always nice to find gay boys with hot straight [or bi] brothers.