Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Friends Are Mean, Hilarious (Or, Ohh Mandee...She Came and She Gave...)

About this time of year...about two years ago...I got a breathless call from my friend Torrey.

"Quick - tell me your mailing address. I'm sending you a gift."

As soon as I rattled off my address, he hung up the phone - faster than greased lightning - before I had a chance to bug and pester and ask and ask and ask about what kind of gift I should be expecting.

Naturally, I forgot about said gift entirely.


Six weeks later, I got my first issue of...

Teen Vogue.

I was so thrilled, I pitched the first issue into my on-street recycling bin without even tearing open the magazine's cellophane wrapper.

Finally remembering the promise of that gift, I called Torrey immediately to thank him effusively for such an appropriate present.

"Did you see who it was addressed to?" Torrey asked - cackling.

"No way. I threw that fucker out."

"Dumbass. Now you have to wait until next month. Next time, look at it before you toss it."

Four weeks went by...and yet another pesky issue of Teen Vogue showed up in my mailbox. This time, I checked the address label. It was my address, all right. But the person the magazine was shipped to wasn't me.

Oh. No.

The Teen Vogue subscription was in the name of one Mandee Messersmith.

Long story.

("She's my daughter. She's my sister. She's my daughter and my sister!")

Anyway, I called Torrey to applaud his bitchery and share the laugh that was now over two months in the making. I continued - diligently - to pitch Teen Vogue into the recycling bin unopened every month.

However, a few months after the start of my subscription, I started to receive other mail addressed to Miss Mandee. Nearly every two weeks, Mandee was invited to this-or-that shopping event at Barney's...this-or-that product testing at Bloomingdale's...this-or-that special concert for Teen Vogue subscribers. Mandee was getting free gifts and special deals and survey questionnaires like she was a real person.

I realized - as per the invites and gifts and Manhattan address - that Mandee was something of a Teen Vogue It-Girl - despite being decidedly fictional.

It all came to a head when Mandee was upgraded to a free subscription to Teen Vogue...and a free subscription to Lucky...and two free handbags...all for filling out a survey about what kind of, like, boys she likes and what, um, fashion she loves.

I just had to fill that out for her, you see.

Now, to add to my fictional family, someone named Chip Messersmith is now getting mail via my address too.

How I fit a family of three and a staff of four into my cramped apartment, I have no idea.

Thankfully, fictional folks take up less closet space than real ones.


Big Daddy said...

The Conde Nasties [Vogue people], are relentless.

I checked out a free issue of Men's Vogue and now I can't get them to stop mailing me stuff.

Oddly enough, after they started all this, I begin getting subscription offers for Out and The Advocate.

JOE * to * HELL said...

what kind of mail does chip get?

Tales of the City said...

Funny over here in the UK we DONT get any freebies.. dammit - I have the right postcode and suubscribe to VF and Conde Nasty Traveller. Hmm.. maybe Teen Vogue beckons.

Darth Gateau said...

what kind of mail would a staff of 4 get? Mop Monthly? French Polisher Bugle? Valet Vogue?

T$ said...

BD - yes, the Nasties suck you in.

JTH - it's all about men's panties.

TOTC - honestly, I think Teen Vogue is hurting..."Mandee" might be coveted because of her zip code.

DG - with my staff it's more like: "Stripper Quarterly", "Teen Trannie", and "Angry Accountant News".

TWISI said...

I hate it when the fictional people who live in my house get better invitations than I do.

Wesley Darling said...

I really want to try this. Wesley and the various Darlings should really take advantage of their subscription power.