I never made an official, I'm-walking-out-the-door-saying: "I need a drink, Roz" statement up in here declaring my nearly two-week long absence...so here it is...two weeks late.
Now that I've officially said that, I'll probably post ten things today.
Anyway, I'm resorting to my new favorite crutch - ye olde tyme "what the hell did people type in Google to land here?" entry:
Here's this week's list of ditties that you - the viewer at home - let your fingers do the walking all up and down and round and round and boy you turn me inside out on Google to get your asses here:
Fleshlight at Duane Reade Quick Cab Sex Idaho What to Serve for Three Kings Day? Films About Strip Poker "I Say Nothing" by Voice of the Beehive Aquarius Serve Slut Young Haircuts for Today Goo Goo Amateur Turban Porn* Buffalo Void**
And...my favorite...possibly ever:
Jane Fonda Suck the Chrome off a Bumper
Here's to being back in the [buffalo] saddle...
*Welcome Googlers from Turkey!
**Someone was actually trying to find BV. Go figure.
Yes, yes, yes. Eight days have rolled on by me without touching a thing about BV.
To make matters worse, I have nothing new to say today.
So, in lieu of bitching and moaning and moaning and bitching about not writing any further, here's a big little highly appropriate ditty that I wrote on December 13, 2005 originally titled J-J-J-J-J-J-Jing-Jang-Jang.
As the holiday season deepens and deepens and my yearly sojourn to visit my parents in Northeast Ohio approaches, one thought barrels through my head: how many times will my mother play Barbra Streisand's Christmas album?
Other classic holiday collections have entered her possession over the years, yet none seem to last in the CD player longer than a song or two. Once Barbra's album finishes, and the pregnant pause of empty, un-Streisand holiday air fills the living room, my mom will get a curious look on her face, like she knows a storm is coming or she has just witnessed the cat writhing in the corner, overdosed on catnip, or she has left her pocketbook neglectfully at the Clinique counter of the local department store (where she is wont to worship the latest shade or fragrance or anything that comes with a free gift with purchase). When she realizes it is just the absence of the ironic, heated flow of Christmas music from America's most famous Jewess, she never fails to lean in to me and whisper:
"Trev, honey. Go press play on the CD player."
She knows I will obey and let the insanity of that famously hyper version of "Jingle Bells" fill up the room one more time.
She knows that if she were to ask my brother or stepdad Joe to attend to the music, Frank Sinatra or Sammy Davis Jr. or any number of the other neglected stars of yesteryear would receive holiday airtime she's not willing to give up.
Every year, another new compilation of holiday music ends up in the stack of albums.
Every year, Barbra's triumphantly kitsch white fuzzy gown and Egyptian eyeliner steal the show mercilessly, giving my mom a spring in her step as she cooks in the kitchen (a very new past time) and a light in her eyes echoed by the bodily giddiness she exudes in having her two sons home for the holidays.
So, my newfangled weekly feature seemed to have hit the skids...until a set of random ass google searches perked me right up.
Here goes this week's list of Google searches that brought viewers like you to BV:
Lauren Cooper French Oral Exam Ice Ice Baby Rabbit Lined Hat Sexy Epileptic Aries Loud Slut Google Dolls
And...my personal favorite:
What Did Charles Say to Camilla On the Phone?*
*No cheating - if you know what this is in regard to and what dirty, dirty thing Charles said to Camilla that I - of course - had the tact and wherewithal to repeat here, post it as a comment. It's so good/bad I still can't take it.
I have a knack (some would say an entirely immature knack) for finding comedy in unexpected places.
Most of the time, I find some unexpected ditties in highly serious films.
Take for instance the Academy Award winning movie Monster.
At one point, the main character - prostitute/serial killer Aileen Wuornos as played by Charlize Theron - has an agitated conversation with a potential john/victim.
When the john in question questions the value of Aileen's, um, services, she says:
"That's the kind of money I deserve. I ain't no shampoo girl, alright? I'm the real deal."
That line got me to giggling and giggling.
I got to giggling so much about this line that I couldn't let it go...so I sort-of turned it into a catch phrase (that, naturally, only I use). For months and months after I saw the film, I found myself using that line all the time.
"Hey T$, do you want another drink?"
"Hells yeah, bitch. I ain't no shampoo girl, alright? I'm the real deal."
As always, I encourage you to use this line at your leisure/discretion. Since the holidays are now upon us, feel free to sprinkle it liberally at family gatherings:
"Oh, my darling Grandson, can you please pass the Christmas Pudding?"
"Back off, lady. I ain't no shampoo girl, alright? I'm the real deal."
I got tagged my ModFab to do a little Ten Tiny Tings Meme.
1. When you were born, how much did you weigh? I was huge - 10 pounds - 1 ounce. I was six weeks late - which I attribute to my not wanting to be a Scorpio. My mother reminds me of my natal tardiness and offensive birth weight every year at the exact time I was born...she's still bitter after all these years. If you saw her, you'd know why - she's 5'3" and about 100 pounds wet. I have no idea how she ever squeezed two 10 pound boys out of her teeny, tiny frame (my brother was a similarly late and large baby).
2. What's you're sugar poison? I'm a sucker sucker sucker for a good donut.
3. If you had to choose between meat and cheese for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Then be specific. This is a dirty, filthy question...but I will have to go with meat. Specifically, anything of the ground (burger, meatloaf, bratwurst) variety. Someone near and dear to me bought me a case of bratwurst for my birthday. Enough said.
4. What, is your opinion, is the worst song ever? Definitely that "I'm Proud To Be An American" country song. It is the epitome of American close-mindedness.
5. Who was your favorite teacher growing up and why? My seventh grade English teacher Mrs. Waltz and my tenth grade English teacher Mrs. Reith. Both instilled in me a love of language and critical thought...and, oh yeah, gay authors. I still can't believe I was turned on to Truman Capote as a twelve year old.
6. What personal activity, when performed in public, bothers you the most? Any kind of finger or toe nail maintenance. I once had a co-worker that trimmed his nails at his desk and the clippings flew everywhere. To this day, my stomach churns at the memory.
7. Ok, there's a $50 bill lying on the ground. You pick it up. Dumbfounded by your incredible luck, what do you selfishly purchase? I have always loved this quote by John Waters (I paraphrase): "To me, wealth is walking into a bookstore and buying anything I want without looking at the price." I'm a book junkie, so I'd blow it on any number of art books...of course, these days that would be more like a 50% deposit on one.
8. Do you have a recurring nightmare? If so, explain. I have a recurring dream...it's not necessarily a nightmare though. It involves being in a house that continually shifts and changes. I know it means something other than "I need to redecorate", but I've never quite shaken it.
9. Name one place on Earth you've never been, but vow to visit at least once. Mount Fuji in Japan.
10. You notice that question #9 wasn't really a question. You feel smart for catching such a small detail. What else can you do really well that reminds you how smart you are? I like to think of myself as a hardcore grammarian, but I'm really just arrogant. I did used to make a co-worker cackle with this overly correct usage: when I answer the phone and someone asks: "Is Trevor there?" I usually say: "This is he."
Here's this week's list of Google searches that brought the masses (uh...dozens anyway) to BV.
Have to say, these search queries keep getting quirkier and quirkier...
Centurians of Rome Sergeant Pepper Anderson Strips Teacher Lounges Drawing of Beautiful Girls Who Needs to Think When Your Feet Just Go Stewart's Shops Gift Certificates Tyra Good Pissy Dobbin Pickaxe Conquest Leukemia Sandra Clark Buffalo (ooooooh Jackee)
And since BV takes it's name - in part - from Neneh Cherry, here's her video (from the still most excellent album and DVD Red Hot + Blue) for "I've Got You Under My Skin".
I'd say enjoy...but that's a little antithetical.
I remember when Red Hot + Blue came out in 1990. As an album and accompanying television special, it was radical popular culture (back when such AIDS awareness and education was just barely being addressed by the mainstream media) - having popular musicians cover the works of a known gay composer (Cole Porter) for the benefit of research and education.
Hard to believe it's nearly 20 years old now.
Below: Annie Lennox performing "Every Time We Say Goodbye" - also used to great effect in Derek Jarman's Edward II (another early 1990s rumination on homophobia and the AIDS crisis)