Friday, December 28, 2007

A Belated Happy Holidays (Or, It's Official)


Wishing you the best this holiday season
80east Design

Back In the Buffalo Saddle (Or, File Under Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I never made an official, I'm-walking-out-the-door-saying: "I need a drink, Roz" statement up in here declaring my nearly two-week long absence...so here it is...two weeks late.

Now that I've officially said that, I'll probably post ten things today.

Anyway, I'm resorting to my new favorite crutch - ye olde tyme "what the hell did people type in Google to land here?" entry:

Here's this week's list of ditties that you - the viewer at home - let your fingers do the walking all up and down and round and round and boy you turn me inside out on Google to get your asses here:

Fleshlight at Duane Reade
Quick Cab Sex Idaho
What to Serve for Three Kings Day?
Films About Strip Poker
"I Say Nothing" by Voice of the Beehive
Aquarius Serve Slut
Young Haircuts for Today
Goo Goo
Amateur Turban Porn*
Buffalo Void**

And...my favorite...possibly ever:

Jane Fonda Suck the Chrome off a Bumper

Here's to being back in the [buffalo] saddle...

*Welcome Googlers from Turkey!

**Someone was actually trying to find BV. Go figure.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Holiday Shit in Syndication (Or, Yes, It's a Rerun)

Yes, yes, yes. Eight days have rolled on by me without touching a thing about BV.

To make matters worse, I have nothing new to say today.

So, in lieu of bitching and moaning and moaning and bitching about not writing any further, here's a big little highly appropriate ditty that I wrote on December 13, 2005 originally titled J-J-J-J-J-J-Jing-Jang-Jang.

Enjoy.

As the holiday season deepens and deepens and my yearly sojourn to visit my parents in Northeast Ohio approaches, one thought barrels through my head: how many times will my mother play Barbra Streisand's Christmas album?

Other classic holiday collections have entered her possession over the years, yet none seem to last in the CD player longer than a song or two. Once Barbra's album finishes, and the pregnant pause of empty, un-Streisand holiday air fills the living room, my mom will get a curious look on her face, like she knows a storm is coming or she has just witnessed the cat writhing in the corner, overdosed on catnip, or she has left her pocketbook neglectfully at the Clinique counter of the local department store (where she is wont to worship the latest shade or fragrance or anything that comes with a free gift with purchase). When she realizes it is just the absence of the ironic, heated flow of Christmas music from America's most famous Jewess, she never fails to lean in to me and whisper:

"Trev, honey. Go press play on the CD player."

She knows I will obey and let the insanity of that famously hyper version of "Jingle Bells" fill up the room one more time.

She knows that if she were to ask my brother or stepdad Joe to attend to the music, Frank Sinatra or Sammy Davis Jr. or any number of the other neglected stars of yesteryear would receive holiday airtime she's not willing to give up.

Every year, another new compilation of holiday music ends up in the stack of albums.

Every year, Barbra's triumphantly kitsch white fuzzy gown and Egyptian eyeliner steal the show mercilessly, giving my mom a spring in her step as she cooks in the kitchen (a very new past time) and a light in her eyes echoed by the bodily giddiness she exudes in having her two sons home for the holidays.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Whole Kit and GaGoogle (Or, I'm Featuring...This Week)

So, my newfangled weekly feature seemed to have hit the skids...until a set of random ass google searches perked me right up.

Here goes this week's list of Google searches that brought viewers like you to BV:

Lauren Cooper French Oral Exam
Ice Ice Baby
Rabbit Lined Hat
Sexy Epileptic
Aries Loud Slut
Google Dolls

And...my personal favorite:

What Did Charles Say to Camilla On the Phone?*

*No cheating - if you know what this is in regard to and what dirty, dirty thing Charles said to Camilla that I - of course - had the tact and wherewithal to repeat here, post it as a comment. It's so good/bad I still can't take it.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Another Christmas Memory (Or, Do You Hear Band-Aid?)


For two years when I lived in Boston, I walked through Boston Common every day to go to work. And, every day, just as I exited the park approaching Downtown Crossing, I saw a homeless guy named Mike.

I know his name was Mike because after the first couple of weeks of taking this walk to work, he leapt in front of me.

"Hey. I see you everyday, so I should introduce myself. I'm Mike."

And with that burst of unusual-for-Boston urban friendliness, I became one of Mike's, uh, patrons; I gave him whatever change I had on me every time I saw him.

Mike was always making people laugh. Once when a highly uptight woman aggressively ducked out of his path, Mike stepped in her way to say:

"Hey lady, where you goin? I don't want to fuck you. I just want your change."

It takes a lot to crack the facades of typical Bostonians, but Mike did it with ease.

One day about this time of year, Mike stood close to the Park Street T Station singing Band-Aid's charity song "Do They Know It's Christmas?" with some lyrics of his own.

Instead of singing "Do they know it's Christmas time at all?" Mike, shaking his hat, sang:

"Let me know it's Christmas time right now!"

I think I gave him five bucks...but the laugh I got that day was priceless.

The Only One For Me (Or, River)

Bombarded by holiday songs everywhere I go these days, I find myself craving the only holiday song I truly love.

And, despite my upbringing, it's not Barbra Streisand's version of "Jingle Bells".

For me, there's really only one:

Joni Mitchell's "River".

I know it's depressing and not at all what people usually like in holiday songs, but I can't help loving it and wanting to hear it over and over again this time of year.

It's coming on christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

But it dont snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I made my baby cry
He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

18 + 18 = ID (Or, You Old Baby)

During the party I went to Saturday night, I ran out with my friend Torrey to buy a pack of cigarettes.

Hey, it's the holidays.

At Torrey's corner deli, something happened that thrilled me...at first.

I got carded.

Now, getting carded for alcohol is one thing...but proving I'm over 18 is something I haven't had to do since I turned 30.

I balked when the counterwoman asked me to see my ID.

"Are you serious? I'm old."

"Oh, I know you old baby. I just need to see your ID."

And with that, the slight thrill I had seconds before was gone, daddy, gone.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Could It Bea Magic? (Or, File Under 'What the Fuck?')

I don't quite know how to introduce this clip...it's from a very bizarre Star Wars Holiday Special aired on television in 1978.

Here is Bea Arthur...and her penis...singing...in an alien cantina.

Drugs were obviously so much better in the 1970s.

What else could explain this?

A New Holiday Memory (Or, Add Another To the List)

I've confessed to having a lot of nicknames...and, at a holiday party on Saturday night, I picked up another one.

After introducing myself to the only hetero male at the party, the following was exchanged:

"Nice to meet you, Chopper. My name's George."

"Chopper?" I asked.

"Isn't that what you just said your name was? Chopper?"

Everyone within earshot immediately broke into laughter and my friend Torrey wailed:

"Oh shiiiiiiit. Tiny T just got another nickname. Ready or not, here comes Chopper!"

And, for the rest of the night, I was indeed Chopper.

I'm not sure what it is about me that warrants such a continually erupting volcano of alternate names...but who am I to stop the flow?

Unexpected Expectations (Or, Shampoo)

I have a knack (some would say an entirely immature knack) for finding comedy in unexpected places.

Most of the time, I find some unexpected ditties in highly serious films.

Take for instance the Academy Award winning movie Monster.

At one point, the main character - prostitute/serial killer Aileen Wuornos as played by Charlize Theron - has an agitated conversation with a potential john/victim.

When the john in question questions the value of Aileen's, um, services, she says:

"That's the kind of money I deserve. I ain't no shampoo girl, alright? I'm the real deal."

That line got me to giggling and giggling.

I got to giggling so much about this line that I couldn't let it go...so I sort-of turned it into a catch phrase (that, naturally, only I use). For months and months after I saw the film, I found myself using that line all the time.

For instance:

"Hey T$, do you want another drink?"

"Hells yeah, bitch. I ain't no shampoo girl, alright? I'm the real deal."

As always, I encourage you to use this line at your leisure/discretion. Since the holidays are now upon us, feel free to sprinkle it liberally at family gatherings:

"Oh, my darling Grandson, can you please pass the Christmas Pudding?"

"Back off, lady. I ain't no shampoo girl, alright? I'm the real deal."

It clearly works for all occasions.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Colorization of Meme (Or, Ten Little Tingy Tings)


I got tagged my ModFab to do a little Ten Tiny Tings Meme.

So...here goes...

1. When you were born, how much did you weigh?

I was huge - 10 pounds - 1 ounce. I was six weeks late - which I attribute to my not wanting to be a Scorpio. My mother reminds me of my natal tardiness and offensive birth weight every year at the exact time I was born...she's still bitter after all these years. If you saw her, you'd know why - she's 5'3" and about 100 pounds wet. I have no idea how she ever squeezed two 10 pound boys out of her teeny, tiny frame (my brother was a similarly late and large baby).

2. What's you're sugar poison?
I'm a sucker sucker sucker for a good donut.

3. If you had to choose between meat and cheese for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Then be specific.
This is a dirty, filthy question...but I will have to go with meat. Specifically, anything of the ground (burger, meatloaf, bratwurst) variety. Someone near and dear to me bought me a case of bratwurst for my birthday. Enough said.

4. What, is your opinion, is the worst song ever?
Definitely that "I'm Proud To Be An American" country song. It is the epitome of American close-mindedness.

5. Who was your favorite teacher growing up and why?
My seventh grade English teacher Mrs. Waltz and my tenth grade English teacher Mrs. Reith. Both instilled in me a love of language and critical thought...and, oh yeah, gay authors. I still can't believe I was turned on to Truman Capote as a twelve year old.

6. What personal activity, when performed in public, bothers you the most?
Any kind of finger or toe nail maintenance. I once had a co-worker that trimmed his nails at his desk and the clippings flew everywhere. To this day, my stomach churns at the memory.

7. Ok, there's a $50 bill lying on the ground. You pick it up. Dumbfounded by your incredible luck, what do you selfishly purchase?
I have always loved this quote by John Waters (I paraphrase): "To me, wealth is walking into a bookstore and buying anything I want without looking at the price." I'm a book junkie, so I'd blow it on any number of art books...of course, these days that would be more like a 50% deposit on one.

8. Do you have a recurring nightmare? If so, explain.
I have a recurring dream...it's not necessarily a nightmare though. It involves being in a house that continually shifts and changes. I know it means something other than "I need to redecorate", but I've never quite shaken it.

9. Name one place on Earth you've never been, but vow to visit at least once.
Mount Fuji in Japan.

10. You notice that question #9 wasn't really a question. You feel smart for catching such a small detail. What else can you do really well that reminds you how smart you are?
I like to think of myself as a hardcore grammarian, but I'm really just arrogant. I did used to make a co-worker cackle with this overly correct usage: when I answer the phone and someone asks: "Is Trevor there?" I usually say: "This is he."

Hey, I never said I wasn't a dork.

And here go the tag-you're-it-bitches:

Joe To Hell | Bonjour Pee Wee | Kusala | How Great Is Cake? | Muzbot

Haring v. Hollis (Or, A Christmas Memory)

I'm behind in posting...but I'm fast to blame the one-two punch of my birthday (week) and the holiday season.

While I gather myself for a juggernaut of witticisms, replies, and all that, here's something from cable television's past that always made me happy.

Here's Keith Haring's animated holiday promo for MTV (circa 1986?) featuring a sample of Run DMC's most excellent holiday song "Christmas in Hollis".

Enjoy. Be right back...

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Strangeways Strange Days (Or, Creature Feature)


Here's this week's list of Google searches that brought the masses (uh...dozens anyway) to BV.

Have to say, these search queries keep getting quirkier and quirkier...

Centurians of Rome
Sergeant Pepper Anderson Strips
Teacher Lounges
Drawing of Beautiful Girls
Who Needs to Think When Your Feet Just Go
Stewart's Shops Gift Certificates
Tyra Good Pissy
Dobbin Pickaxe Conquest Leukemia
Sandra Clark Buffalo (ooooooh Jackee)

and...my personal favorite:

Casino Royale Cock and Ball Torture

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

A Virtual Trip (Or, Hoppipola)

I recently mentioned how I had planned on taking a big trip over Thanksgiving. Since that didn't materialize, here's a little something to scratch that particular itch.

In November 2005, I spent a week in Iceland. In some ways, that trip (or images from that trip anyway) are still with me.

Above is a trailer for a new film by the amazing Icelandic band Sigur Ros - it captures Iceland in ways my words just can't. Below are a few photographs I took there.

Enjoy.

And, yes, I've been very very very hungover today. Thank you all for your birthday wishes - I'll be back in action tomorrow.




Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Add One (Or, 36)


If anyone happens to look at my profile today, you'll notice a change.

An addition.

The once-scary number "35" has morphed, torqued, and transformed...cranking up to the unnerving "36".

In other words...

Today's my birthday.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Cankle Toe (Or, When Friends Attack)

My friend Patty makes me laugh.

Last night we got to talking and she said this (quoted void of context):

"She's not a lesbian. She just has cankles."

As soon as she said that, she immediately asked:

"You so just wrote that down, didn't you?"

And, indeed, I did.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Lumberman in a Tutu (Or, Daphne, It Was Really Nothing)

I'm light on story right now, but while I wait for my mojo to return, here's something from my e-mail inbox.

I wish I could take credit for its brilliant absurdity, but, alas, it was written by one Miss Daphne Browne.

Here's what Daphne had to say to me in her exquisite email entitled "shoal vigilant gentility":

wet morrissey lumberman dressy fcc dobbin vigilant almond yarn scar morrissey dressy lumberman dressy yarn vulture scar tome inaudible basin lumberman visor gain bindle almond yarn plantation sommerfeld conquest exclaim citation firemen leukemia otherworld groove firemen dobbin visor resplendent dodecahedra scar fickle vigilant morrissey visor inverse bindle fickle rebellion scar resplendent

leukemia exclaim batwing inaudible conquest morrissey wet pickaxe

I don't know what a "wet morrissey lumberman" is - but I sure do like the sound of it.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Today Today Today (Or, The First Of December)

Today is World AIDS Day.

And since BV takes it's name - in part - from Neneh Cherry, here's her video (from the still most excellent album and DVD Red Hot + Blue) for "I've Got You Under My Skin".

I'd say enjoy...but that's a little antithetical.

I remember when Red Hot + Blue came out in 1990. As an album and accompanying television special, it was radical popular culture (back when such AIDS awareness and education was just barely being addressed by the mainstream media) - having popular musicians cover the works of a known gay composer (Cole Porter) for the benefit of research and education.

Hard to believe it's nearly 20 years old now.

Below: Annie Lennox performing "Every Time We Say Goodbye" - also used to great effect in Derek Jarman's Edward II (another early 1990s rumination on homophobia and the AIDS crisis)



Below: remember when activism was, uh, active?