Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Untitled (Or, Excuses Are Like Nipples)

So, yeah.

Clearly January is not a banner month for BV...one single solitary lonely ass post about not posting...and here I am writing another boring lame ass post about not posting.

This makes me think of a modified version of something an old art teacher of mine used to say to students who had excuses for not doing work:

"Excuses are like nipples*, most people have at least one."

Before I jumble this up with multiple nipples...er...excuses, let me try to remedy the situation before I get ahead of myself:

I've been decamping and undecorating and packing and moving and unpacking and recamping and redecorating...and it the whole shebang is finally about done. I only have two boxes left to unpack and many, many stories to tell.

So, without further ado...here's the first of the several thousand ditties I have had on the backburner for the last few weeks:

My brother was in town this past weekend. On Friday night, after more drinks than my aging system can handle, I stumbled home as best I could.

On the way home, I was stopped by an Amazonian woman in a flimsy wrap dress and coat far too light for the weather. She was teetering on the spikiest of stilettos, her weave swaying desperately in the wind. Adding to this top-heavy sight was the huge boxed sheet cake she was carrying.

Yes, a sheet cake.

"Ecu me?" she asked me.

I barely stopped walking to address her.

"Yeah?"

"Can you carry my cake fo' me to da club? It my birfday!"

The bitter cold prevented me from entertaining the further comedy of me actually stopping to assist her in her grand entrance to "da club"...with me carrying in her sheet cake.

So, I mustered my best Midwestern apology-toned "Sorry" and carried on down the street.

I heard her muttering some "Oh hells no" response, but I was too cold and drunk to let it fully register.

*My teacher actually said "elbows" instead of nipples...but "nipples" sounds better.

5 comments:

Big Daddy said...

I know you were tore up but I can't help but feel a bit sad for the lady.

She had to carry her own cake to her birthday party?

Sad.

Shirley Heezgay! said...

I was going to say the same thing.

How pathetic that she carried her own cake ALONE to her party. Not even a cab? One friend?

I betcha she had to plan her own party, too.

Now that would have been worth checking.

In the meantime, will we get to see some images of your new abode?

TWISI said...

Yep, make that 3... how sad, to have to carry her own cake.

Sad I tell ya, sad!

jason said...

I'm sad that you missed an Amazonian sheetcake birfday at da club.
Actually, I'm sad that I missed it.

kusala ~ joe said...

That was cold! I'm serious: the karma police eventually gonna getchoo.