Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Musik Non Stop (Or, Krautastic Tuesday)

I'm feeling a little more than strapped to my computer today - hence, Krautastic Tuesday this week is all about the Robot.

I'm not sure how or when German culture (music and art especially) picked up the harsh/all-black/robot-ist-fantastisch stereotype...but here are some examples of it at its zenith.

Below: Kraftwerk's Musik Non Stop and Klaus Nomi's Total Eclipse.

Und...und...und...the first appearance of Mike Myers as Dieter - click here.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Three Wishes (Or, A Certain Sunday Night in Review)

I usually write more about film than I have recently (um...all of last year) and I wanted to do a little Oscar hoo-haa thing prior to last night.

In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't. I had three small hopes for the ceremony - all of which pulled through:

As much as I love Julie Christie, I wanted Marion Cotillard to win for La Vie en Rose.

And...she did.

Once was one of my favorite films from last year (even thinking about the film's ending now makes me choke up more than I should admit to), and I wanted its big song "Falling Slowly" to win.

And...it did.

I have had it bad for Tilda Swinton since I saw her in Derek Jarman's Caravaggio way way way back when. She is a masterful, intellectual actor and what she did with her role in Michael Clayton is completely representative of her intense craft and intelligence. I wanted her to win more than anything.

And...she did.

There you have it - I'm coming to the Oscar pool a day late, but somehow glad I didn't have the gumption/energy/whatever to write about this before last night.

Oh, yeah...No Country For Old Men is pretty much a masterpiece - but I'm way late in coming around to that sentiment.

Friday, February 22, 2008

G-G-G-G-Googly (Or, The Weak in Review)

This week in what-kind-of-cockamamie-shit-brings-bitches-here-via-Google:

Mandee in Teen Vogue
Natalie No Pants
Male Escort in Turkey
Male Midget Stripping
Now Tell Me is it Time to Get Down?
Hard Rough Rider Fuckers

And...my personal favorite:

Wurst and Kraut

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Crazed In the Afternoon (Or, Is That a Banana in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Drunk?)

Yesterday I was running errands in the afternoon and decided to pick up a few groceries while I was out. I hardly ever go into this particular grocery store in the middle of the day.

The shopping trip was uneventful until I got to the checkout line. I started unloading my basket at the register and I noticed a man standing next to the magazine/impulse item rack. He was swiging enthusiastically from a half-pint bottle of vodka.

He finished his chug and started to put the bottle into the front pocket of his jacket. As he tried to finish his less-than-discreet move, he saw me staring at him.

"Oh shit," he said suddenly surprised at the bottle in his hand. "I thought this was a banana!"

I laughed and said, "That doesn't look like any banana I've ever seen."

He returned the laugh and replied, "Hey, I like your style. You want some?"

He held out the bottle of Georgi Vodka to me, beckoning me like he was my very best friend ever trying to keep me out late and drunk on a school night.

"Aw...no thanks...I'm trying to quit."

"Good for you, pal. Good. For. You."

With that, my new best friend for ten seconds proceeded to check out.

I finished checking out first, but saw him pounding the Debit card key-pad with his drunkity drunk fingers...trying to tell the cashier that her, um, pad was busted.

And, yes, he was buying mixers.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Wie Jetzt Braun Kuhe? (Or, Krautastic Tuesday)

I was all talk last Friday when I declared that this Tuesday (uh...today) would herald the beginning of a new BV featurette called Krautastic Tuesday.

I have a set of funny German-tinged stories to whip out like a dish of kraut...yet, once again, the inspiration to write is a little on the skids.

In lieu of my own jokes, I will start the ball rolling with a quote from a Woody Allen movie (kudos to anyone who can name the source). The following was spoken by an intensely German domestic after serving a bowl of (presumably) SpƤtzle:

"It's Bavarian pasta - it doesn't need sauce! The Italians use sauce on their pasta because they are weak!"

Below is the video for "Hold On" by Apparat - hands down, my favorite song of last year...from my favorite album of the year. (If you haven't purchased/heard the amazing Walls - do it now.)


Monday, February 18, 2008

Splitsville (Or, Please Give It Up for Miss Tandi Dupree)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know what you're thinking.

All video...no wordies.

Don't worry, some shit's in the can...I just have to get my act together and write it down.

In the meantime...here's an act that's damn hard to follow.

Please give it up for Miss Tandi Dupree...in a drag number to end all drag numbers.

If there were a medal/award/whatever for such feats, surely she deserves it.


Sunday, February 17, 2008

Spanish For Your Nanny (Or, C-U-L-O)

If only this were a scene from a documentary...


Thanks to Fraulein Leni T for the laughs.

Friday, February 15, 2008

See You Next Tuesday (Or, Something Like a Feature)

I almost started a new feature this week to keep my posting lethargy in check...but it sort of skidded out of my mind.

So, the new BV featurette Krautastic Tuesday is starting today.

Above: Ellen Allien's early early Stadtkind.

Below: the trailer for Fassbinder's Lola.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Good Morning Cuntshine (Or, She Lives in Georgia)

I'm sorry I'm such a New York 1 person in the A.M....

I missed Jane Fonda saying "cunt" on the Today Show this morning.

Guess V-D ain't so bad after all...

Your Googly Heart (Or, V.D.)

Since I have next-to-no love for today's "holiday", here's my weekly list of Google searches...it's about as close to V.D. as I am right now...Enjoy.

Pesky White
Madonna Body of Evidence Clips
Stag Party in Buffalo
Nan Kempner 1979
Joni Mitchell Never Lies
Tyra Banks Passport Photo
The Public Wants What the Public Gets
"An Amazing Nightmare"*
All the Great Operas in Ten Minutes
What If I'm in Black Jeans?
Bigass Southern

And...my personal favorite:

Can I Perm My Pubic Hair?

*Kudos to anyone who knows who that quote is in reference to.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Catastrophe (Or, We're the Architects of the World)

I'm feeling this song today - not sure why...it was a big, big favorite of mine a couple of years ago...and the band has since broken up.

Here's Rainer Maria* with "Catastrophe".


*Given my krautastic tendencies, it was/is a brilliant name for a band. Officially, they took their name from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke...but when I first heard of them, I immediately thought Fassbinder. Either way, it's a hot krauty reference.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Hey, Lady (Or Poppin' Fresh)

My last entry was indeed officially embarrassing (see also: Mod Fab). So, to make up for it, here's another gayass political entry...one I've been holding on to for quite a while.

My brother works for the government and his former boss used to be a certain political person's personal assistant (I won't name names...you can reference the drawing above for a hint).

Said certain political person's personal assistant just happens to be a gay man. And one day while he was in the service of said political person, he got into a random discussion with his employer regarding recreational drug use in the gay community.

This is starting to read like a Watergate memo, so I'll cut to the chase.

The two of them were talking about Amyl Nitrate.

Details ensued...the assistant gave up lots of information and the conversation ended with his employer saying:

"Oh my. That does sound like fun! Do you think I would like doing Poppers?"

Friday, February 08, 2008

If She Could Turn Back Time (Or, Leave It to Cher)

Not like I ever have to say "I'm Sorry" for extreme homosexual statements or stories or retold incidents...but this next entry might need a "this-is-too-gay-for-words" apology.

Last night, Cher was on Nightline. She weighed in on the upcoming presidential election as such - in her typically candid manner:

"I love Hillary. I know her and she's a strong woman. I want her to win. I really like Obama - I think he's a great speaker. But he doesn't have enough experience and that's scary to me."

The interviewer was about to ask her to clarify a little when Cher jumped in with:

"Look, there was a guy I loved - I really had hope for him and what he stood for. I had dinner with him when he first got to the White House. It was sad what happened to him - he was a great idealist and he got torn apart by our government."

And...after an appropriately dramatic pause...

"That man was Jimmy Carter."

There are times for heated debate.

There are times for thought upon thought upon thought.

And there are times you should just leave it to Cher.

And, yeah, I gave up some cash today - you should too:

BV's Officially Endorsed Candidate.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Perpetual Goo (Or, Sluts and Tits)

I haven't been keeping up with what Google searches have been bringing folks to BV...but I just checked my site stats and feel compelled to share some queries...I might bring it back as a returning feature if they stay as titular and slutty as these:

Jodie Foster Smoking
Bitch Tit Photos
Rhymes With Gin
Pumped Up Titties
Disco Barn
Julianne Moore's Teeth
Transsexual Taylor Dayne
My Mother the Mistress
Sagittarius Equals Slut
Darcelle is a Slut
Je suis a piggy
Older Sluts in Buffalo
Eva Longoria Camel Toe YouTube
Lots of Titties
We Used to Hang in a Buffalo Stance

And...my personal favorite:

Eyebrow Threading Courses in Cleveland, Ohio

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Now Listen Up (Or, The World of Heterosexuality Is a Sick and Twisted Place)

I completely forgot about this incident...it happened the same night that I was asked to carry a young lady's cake into "da club". Since a few readers have balked at my refusal to assist the young debutante with her grand entrance into "da club" society, maybe this story will clarify my mindset that night...and give another reason/excuse/whatever for why I didn't carry that damn cake.

Out to dinner with my visiting younger brother and his friends, I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette.

Hey, it happens.

I stood far off to the side of the restaurant's entrance...as per the new smoking etiquette. No sooner than I had sparked the stick, I was surrounded by three fellow smokers from the restaurant (two women and one man).

I could not escape the following conversation...since it happened inches from me:

WOMAN 1: Yo did you hear that Danny is gay?

WOMAN 2: What?

WOMAN 1: Yeah...his girlfriend Stacy - she's my friend - she caught him in bed with another guy.

MAN: Whoa.

WOMAN 2: For real?

WOMAN 1: Listen, I totally saw that coming. My Gaydar was always goin' "whoop-whooop-whoooooooop" when he was around. I mean, did you ever listen to how he talked?

WOMAN 2: What do you mean?

WOMAN 1: I mean he was always saying shit like "Oh that sssssssshirt issssssssssssssssssssss realllllllllllly hotttttttttttttttt." All lispin' and shit.

WOMAN 2: For real? I never noticed that.

WOMAN 1: Totally.

MAN: This one time he told me I looked good. I was like "Yo...why you sayin' that?"

WOMAN 1: Yeah, I knew it. I totally knew it. Poor Stacy...I mean that's like the worst shit ever.

Before I could stand another second of this vaguely homophobic hoe-down, I put out my cancer stick and went inside.

All I could think was: in this age of confused metrosexuality, is a lisp all it takes to be labeled gay? And...since these straights had no problem barfing up this story inches away from me, clearly their gaydar is not as whoop-whooooop-whooooooptastic as they claimed it to be.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Story of O (Or, Super Tuesday)

I was discussing the Obama-Oprah factor with my friend Torrey. I won't reveal the details of said political discussion...but the highlight was this:

ME: I just feel like Oprah turned Obama into a rockstar overnight. It troubles me.

TOR: You mean she put too much pressure on him?

ME: No, I mean she put too much pressure on me.

With that, we laughed at the thought of Oprah's giant head looming above voters' heads inside those deliriously modern voting booths, pressuring them to do the right thing by her man of the hour.

I guess it's a step up from her staged fawning over Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Anyway, I will say, I'm always shocked at how easy voting in my neighborhood is...maybe I'm the only one who ever votes in the 16th precinct, but there's never a line...ever. I was in and out of there in five minutes tops.

I even got belated belated birthday wishes from the voting official - I was a little taken aback when she asked me if I would be voting Democrat or Republican.

Upon hearing the latter word, I had to ask her:

"They have those in this neighborhood?"

On second thought, given the amount of strollers and baby bjorns and over-privileged-mommy-and-me classes there now are in my 'hood, there are probably registered Republicans now too...

...and not even the always-and-forever-troubling Log Cabin kind.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

21st Century Boy (Or, Yo Teef Is Givin Me Grief)

I had dinner with my old friend Jeremy this week ("old" meaning we've been friends for ten years...not "old" as in he started his career in show business as a backup dancer for Carol Channing).

As the meal progressed, we got to telling old stories...and this one came out of nowhere:

A number of years ago, my friend Lucas was in New York for work. We were out and about at the usual neighborhood haunts and we ran into a friend of mine who was out for drinks with one of his coworkers.

The coworker in question, despite being a sweetheart and nice and funny and all that, had some unfortunate issues in the dental department.

His grill was missing some fill.

His teeth were giving grief.*

He had "summer teeth" - some were there....some were not.

Now, the whole time I was talking to the guy, my friend Lucas looked like he was about to have an aneurysm - he was shaking and rocking back and forth and his eyes were going haywire.

I knew Lucas had some bitchy comment choked in his system.

He was constipated with surliness and was ready to blow.

The split-second the guy turned away from me, Lucas grabbed me and pulled me in close to whisper:

"For Christ's Sake. It's the 21st century. Buy yourself a fucking tooth."

*I can't take credit. Props to the brilliant Wendy Ho for that line.