Thursday, May 29, 2008

So Long, Toots (Or, He Shot Movies, Didn't He?)

I was shocked (and saddened) by the death of Sydney Pollack earlier this week...he was a semi-legend in my house growing up because of two things:

1. Tootsie (goes without saying)

and

2. The Way We Were

My mother's obsession with the latter movie always ran deep...when Tootsie came out (when I was in the fifth grade, I begged to see as soon as it came out during Christmas break), I remember my mother stating with commanding authority:

"Well of course it's going to be good...Sydney Pollack directed it. He directed The Way We Were."

It seems like he made far more movies than he actually did...I suppose because he had turned up in films so many, many times as an actor (I think he might have been at his best going toe-to-toe with Judy Davis in Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives).

Anyway, I highly recommend They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

Caesar's Palace (Or, Chicken Ballad)

Overheard a few days ago on the street:

MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN: Omigod. We should totally go there for lunch. They have this amazing salad. It's called a Chicken Caesar Salad. It's like a regular Caesar Salad...except it has chicken. It's so good.

Now...If I'd heard this standing on the outskirts of a mall foodcourt in Omaha, I might not be surprised...but in lower Manhattan?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Touch Me in the Dirndl (Or, Krautastic Tuesday)

Leathery...Busty...Bodacious...Krautastic Tuesday.

Despite Berlin's current "up-and-coming" status as a global style center, German culture's greatest contributions to fashion are as old as old can be.

I'm talking about the finest in traditional scheiƟse: Lederhosen and the Dirndl.

Dirndl (much like my perennial favorite pocketbook) is a word that puts a kick in my step...and it just does so much for titties. It separates...it molds...it pushes up and out and ready to catch spilt beer and wurst droppings.

Now...as for lederhosen...don't get me started. They intrigue me and give me the giggles simultaneously. If anyone's interested in buying them for me, I will model the pair below and post lurid pictures of me making love to a tray of currywurst in them.

In related news, Germany finally stepped up and paid honor to the gay men and women killed in the Holocaust. Read the full article here.





Friday, May 23, 2008

Is It Saturday Yet? (Or, Preset Shadows)



Well...is it?

I'm playing half-assed VJ today...here's The Presets with "This Boy's In Love" (Above) and Midnight Juggernauts with "Shadows" (below)

Enjoy.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Overheard (Or, Protecting the Guilty)

Overheard on Sunday:

WOMAN: She's been hopped up full of anti-depressants for ages...now she's pregnant and has to go off of them.

MAN: Maybe there's some natural, homeopathic anti-depressant she can try.

WOMAN: Don't think so...she's really fucked up.

Redesigning Women (Or, Bile)

I know I promised to stay light on dog talk...but this is to be filed under "Why Manhattan Now Blows Beyond Compare" rather than "Omigod Puppies Are Cute!":

Today while walking my dog, I was trapped in front of a (obviously heterosexual) couple...despite the fact that I stopped several times and slowed down for them to pass me, they - oblivious to my 10,000 signals to move past - stayed right behind me, walking along 18th Street.

Their inescapable, fantastically enlightened conversation went a little...no...exactly...like this:

WOMAN: Ewh. You can, like, see that dog's butt.

MAN: That's nasty.

WOMAN: It's so gross...I mean...its asshole is, like, totally right there and you can, like, see it.

MAN: Gross.

WOMAN: I mean...they should, like, redesign that dog so that you can't see its butt like that.

MAN: Yeah.

WOMAN: I would never have a dog like that.

MAN: No way.

When they passed me, I finally got to see these chumps.

They were the finest shade of white generic suburbia.

In greater, past decades, such preppity would have been confined to places it belongs...like Connecticut.

Now it's walking down the street inches behind me - trying to genetically, like, redesign my dog.

The grumpier, wisdom-of-the-staircase version of myself would have turned around to say:

"I'll, like, redesign my dog so you can't see his asshole if you let me, like, redesign your face and put your mouth were it belongs...ON YOUR ASS, LADY."

I'd have also hurled the plastic bag with my dog's shit in it at them...but that goes without saying.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

There You Go, Way Too Fast (Or, Crash)

I've been meme-less for a while, and here comes one from Joe to Hell that I can't pass up.

It's all about the bookage:

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Locate the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences on your blog and in so doing...
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged me.

"As Vaughan arrived, striding on his long, uneven legs from the car-park, everyone looked round, watching this black-jacketed figure advance towards the motorcycle. I myself half expected him to mount the machine and drive it down the rails at us. The scars on his mouth and forehead caught the air like sabre wounds. He hesitated, watching the technicians lift the plastic motorcyclist - 'Elvis' - on to his machine, and then strode on towards us."

The four sentences are from one of my favorite books - J.G. Ballard's Crash. Quite possibly one of the hottest books ever written...it was done a mild disservice by David Cronenberg's film from 1996...but don't let that scare you away. It's one hell of a novel.

And, so, in keeping with #5 above - as tagged by Joe - here are five tagees:

Kusala ::: Kookyknut ::: Muzbot ::: How Great Is Cake? ::: Bonjour, Pee Wee

Buffalo Nichtig (Or, Krautastic Tuesday)

Short, sweet, full of meat...Krautastic Tuesday.

In lieu of writing something Krautastic, I'm going to let this link do all the heavy German gutteral grunting for me:

Buffalo Nichtig

Bookmark it - read it - impress your friends with oddly translated German versions of the stories you read here.

Stay tuned for some regularly scheduled programming...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Body Riddle (Or, An Apology)



I feel like I burned a hole through my blog with the KLF...so to fill in that hole...here's the perversely fascinating video for Clark's song "Ted" from the amazing Body Riddle.

Enjoy.

Let's Just Pretend the 00s Never Happened (Or, Fashion Forward)



Given that this decade's obsession with the 1980s has yet to fade, I've been joking for a while now that true trailblazers should be skipping ahead and busting early 1990s fashion and jams like they were the freshest, dopest shit around.

I'm standing by that sentiment.

While I search through my closet for wide-legged Girbaud jeans and floppy hats, here's a musical flashback that continues to fascinate me.

And...by fascinate...I mean laugh out loud.

Tammy Wynette and the KLF...with "Justified and Ancient".

So, pitch yourself a tent and get your 90s camp on.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Titty Titty Gang Bang (Or, Word)


I'm a sucker for words.

As I've noted here many times, I make them up when I feel the need (see also: hussbucket)...and one of my favorite pastimes is to take an existing word and make an incorrect noun or verb out of it...like:

Luxuritate (slightly bastardized from luxuriate - the extra "t" gives it oomph).

As in...

"This faux fur throw is so soft, I want to take off my clothes and luxuritate on it."

Or...

"Your tits look so nice in that top, I feel like luxuritating all over your body."

To fan the flames of my word-love, I have a daily email subscription to Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day.

Today's word had me beside myself...it sounds like something I would have made up...and...lo and behold...it's a real word:

Titivate

Now, I'm not exactly jazzed at its meaning ("to make or become smart or spruce"), but I love it nonetheless. In my future uses of titivate, I think it will be more along the lines of:

"Her breasts are so fake, I'm surprised she doesn't titivate off the ground."

"Dolly Parton got a standing titivation."

"My chest is droopy. Time to get to the gym and titivate."

"My assistant Darcelle is a lazy bitch today. I need to give her some titivation."

So, go on with your badselves and titivate your shirts off.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Rewind, Selectaaaah (Or, Check His Rhymes, Check His Lyrics)

On my afternoon walk today with the dog, someone stopped to ask me this:

"Yo...is your dog like a remix?"

"Huh?"

"You know - like a remixed breed or something?"

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I'm Losing My Favorite Kraut (Or, Krautastic Tuesday)

Easy...breezy...teutonic...

Krautastic Tuesday.

Ernest Hemingway had a huge thing for Marlene Dietrich...and Marlene kept her kraut crisp, quivering, and fresh at the ready for Papa H. Despite their heated, obsessive, romantic on-and-on-and-on letter writing to each other, they supposedly never did the deed.

I don't buy it.

Anyway, Hemingway always addressed his love letters to her this way:

My little kraut...

or

My favorite kraut...

Of course, in Hemingway's mind, he probably did associate the German sexbomb with a plate of pickled cabbage.

Goes without saying: he's man after my own heart.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Thursday, May 08, 2008

The Turd on the Street (Or, Rear Window)

Now that summer is creeping up on New York, I've been sleeping with one of my bedroom windows open. My bedroom faces the street...a factor I forgot about until last night...when around 3 AM I was awakened with this snippet of conversation from three stories below:

CLEARLY DRUNK, FLATULENT GIRL: Shut up Stacy! I did not fucking fart! If I did fucking fart I would have told you. You know I ALWAYS tell you when I fart, you fucking bitch. God, I hate you. I can't believe you accused me of farting when I didn't fart - knowing that I would TELL YOU if I farted.

STACY: You faaaarted. You faaaaaaarted. You faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarted.

I didn't bother to get up and look out to check out Stacy and her flatulent friend.

I only hope that CLEARLY DRUNK, FLATULENT GIRL beat her up...or at the very least farted on Stacy's face.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

L.A. Is, Like, Nowhere (Or, That Valley Slut Hole)

Yeah, yeah, yeah...on an infinite loop.

Here's my addition to this week's pile of video entries...someday soon I'll shake the writing funk and step to some verbiage that isn't an intro to a clip.

Here's my favorite part of Gregg Araki's most excellent late 1990s teen acid trip Nowhere...featuring the hair, the lipgloss, and the retainers of Rose McGowan, Traci Lords, and Shannen Doherty.

Enjoy.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Video Ist Fantastisch (Or, Krautastic Tuesday)

Yeah, yeah...yeah.

Video is my middle name right now...so here's a down-and-dirty / quick-and-easy / fun-and-sleazy / entirely cop-a-feeled-out-cop-out for this week's Krautastic Tuesday...

Here's Apparat's video for "Arcadia".

Enjoy.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Canned Jugs (Or, Everybody Comes to Dollywood)

I saw Dolly Parton last Thursday night at Radio City Music Hall. The crowd was gayer than Rip Taylor doing a Paul Lynde impression (or is that Paul Lynde doing a Judy Garland impression?)...and Dolly herself had to comment as such after singing "Jolene":

"You know there are quite a few guys here tonight dressed up like me. Heck, they look like better versions of me. Makes me want to rewrite that song I just sang. Instead of 'Jolene', it should be: 'Drag Queen...Drag Queen...Drag Queeeeeeeen...I'm beggin' of you please, don't take my man'."

I love Dolly more than anything...and I hate to be critical of someone so lovely...but her show featured a highly misguided midsection in which she covered a multitude of songs from the 1950s and 60s (and, um, had her back-up singers do most of the heavy-lifting, singing wise). Dolly baby...when you're a prolific songwriter such as yourself, there's no need to use other people's (far worse) material as a crutch.

She was, as always, full of kitschy banter:

"You know, back where I grew up, there are two types of mountain women: ones that got married and had lots of kids...and ones that stayed single and had lots of kids."

And, as always, hearing her sing "Coat of Many Colors" made me cry like a bitch.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Sweatin' to the Goldie (Or, A Bad Case of Schadenfreude)


The Second Time Around (Or, Video Cop-Out)

Yes...I'm coasting on video posts...

Here's Santogold's video for "L.E.S. Artistes"...and...it might be a stretch...but it reminds me of The Motels' song "Only the Lonely".

Enjoy.

Special thanks to Courtney D'Amico-DeMarko for the Santogold tip. I know you like totally invented them an' shit.