Monday, June 30, 2008

Pride Be Not Proud (Or, Illustration Friday)

BV prides itself on being loosey goosey when it comes to days of the week...Friday was Krautastic Tuesday...and now Monday is Illustration Friday.

Above is my entry to this week's Illustration Friday collection...the topic was "fierce"...which clearly allowed me to get as Gay Proud as I possibly could without a parade float and an army of drag queens behind me.

If you care to do your own "guess-who-that-actress-is" and "guess-what-film-that's-from" in comments...knock yourselves out...of the closet.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Ja, Ja. Ich Weiß Zeite Zwei. (Or, Krautastic Tuesday)

I'd apologize for not writing, blogging, blah-ing, etc. but - hey - it's summer - so - in the words of Jackie Woodman: "suck it."

And, - if - I - could - have - added - any - more - en - dashes - to - that - sentence...

I----would - have -

Yes, it's after midnight and, yes, that was supposed to be something resembling comedy.

I'm spent.

Oh yeah - above is this week's Krautastic Tuesday...Apparat's video for "Fractales I & II".

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Who Are You...Betty Fuckin' Ford? (Or, How Hard Can It Be To Kick an Addiction?)

I have an intense fondness for the movie Sordid intense that I can (either fortunately or unfortunately...depending on your disposition) recite most of the film character.

Above is the promo reel for Sordid Lives: The Series...which I'm excited as hell about despite it being aired on LOGO (also known as The As Captivating as Watching Mauve Paint Dry Network). Looks like Del Shores (the film's creator) has let his lady friends go buckwild with even more booze, pills, and sex...with a dash of Rue McClanahan on the side.

Er...rather Rue McClanahan on top...based on what's in this clip.

Enjoy at your leisure...preferably with a carton of Virginia Slims, a dollop of tuna-potato chip casserole, and a fistful of Valium.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Twatflaps (Or, Overheard on the Street)

Overheard on a long walk today:

WOMAN WALKING LONG-HAIRED DACHSHUND: I am motherfuckin' sick sick sick of walkin this hairy hotdog.

POSSIBLY UNATTRACTIVE MAN: I mean...what's the point of having sex with unattractive people? I mean really?

MAN TALKING ON CELLPHONE: Yeah, man. I was all 'Oh baby I'm going to make sweet love to you and make you a smoothie' and it worked! I totally nailed her.

MAN TALKING ON CELLPHONE (Much Later in Conversation): Yeah, man. Next time I hit the strip club, I'm definitely bringing, I mean coins. Totally will be awesome. It's like...where the fuck are they going to put quarters?

BRITISH WOMAN AT DOGRUN (Just after laying out a wee-wee pad on the concrete for her dog): Christ, I hate dogs.

The last woman I mentally nicknamed "Miss Common Twatflaps". Besides being a total cooz with the wee-wee pads outside...she shoved my dog.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Come Down On Me (Or, '88)

I have long praised Lemon's the video for their song "'88 aka Come Down On Me".


Ja, Ja. Ich Weiß. Ich Weiß. (Or, Krautastic Tuesday)

Yes, it's Thursday and I'm writing Tuesday's entry...

Archie Bunker had the Jeffersons...and Maude Findlay.

Mary Richards had Rhoda Morgenstern...and Phyllis Lindstrom.

And now...BV has...BiL.

My friend (and occasional BV cast member and Krautastic Tuesday enthusiast) Tarek decamped New York for Berlin last month and started a (new) blog called Berlin in Lights. Please click (and leave me) at your discretion.

Actually, Tarek's blog is only semi-new...he had a blog on typepad last summer (also called Berlin in Lights).

Naturally, I was a frequent commenter in broken (and, yes, sleazy) German. My favorite comment is below...left for an entry he made about a German brand of Weight-Watchers-esque pre-prepared diet meals called Du Darfst (translated as You Are Permitted). It is in the voice of the troubled, bulimic actress who starred in commercials for the brand:

SCHAUSPIELERIN: Da ich nur Kleenex zum Frühstück und Mittagessen esse, darf ich etwas zum Abendbrot essen? Darf ich? Sollte ich? Ich kann auch nicht an currywurst denken ohne zuzunehmen! Wie ich lang, in einer See der Wurst zu schwimmen!


ACTRESS: If I only eat Kleenex for breakfast and lunch, I may eat something for supper? May I? Should I? Even thinking of currywurst makes me gain weight! How I long to swim in a sea of sausage!

Of course, dear reader, you may (du darfst) interpret "sea of sausage" however you'd like...

Above: Photo illustration - "Swimming in a Sea of Sausage".

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Punchline (Or, Illustration Friday)

Well...I did make it to a semi-regular feature today...

Above is my submission to this week's (er...rather...last Friday's) Illustration Friday.

The topic: punchline.

Sure, this isn't quite a joke with a punchline...but it is my second favorite Lily Tomlin joke. My absolute favorite being:

"Growing up in Michigan was fine...until I realized where I was."

P.S. - click on it to looks better mo bigga.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Stand Back, Buenos Aires (Or, Cubby Bernstein)

I sung the praises of Xanadu here way back when...although it didn't win a single Tony Award last night, the show did produce the funniest Tony Awards campaign...ever.

Above is the final episode of "Cubby Bernstein: I Smell A Tony" - also available here in its entirety. Below is an equally funny episode with Jackie Hoffman and Mary Testa.

Watch for Cynthia Nixon...turning in a two-minute performance that has more wit and life than the entire, bloated 22,000 minute Sex and the City film. (Don't get me started on that piece of shit disguised as a movie. Although it's been said you can't polish a turd...Sarah Jessica Parker and company sure did try pretty hard).

Thursday, June 12, 2008

They Call Me Blackmail (Or, T$ Shuffle)

Yeah, yeah...another meme. I'm picking this one up without a tag...and I'm not inflicting the meme onto anyone else.

I have often sat in wonderment at the beauty that is my iTunes library on shuffle...I have a long standing joke (repeated here probably more than once) that my favorite instance of an unintentional-self-portrait by-way-of-iTunes-shuffle was hearing Judas Priest's "Ram It Down" followed by Ethel Merman singing "If I Knew You Were Coming I'd've Baked a Cake". Thankfully, my library at random didn't let me down this time either - see the equally camp fiesta below...and play along if you dare.

Rules: Open iTunes, turn on shuffle, press forward for each question and use the song title as the answer.
  • What does next year have in store for me? "SexyBack" - Justin Timberlake

  • What’s my love life like? "The Crazy Cries of Love" - Joni Mitchell

  • What do I say when life gets hard? "Little Hop of Horror" - Akufen

  • What do I think of on waking up? "Out to Get You" - James

  • What song will I dance to at my wedding? "Seven Nation Army" - The White Stripes

  • What do I want as a career? "Nervous Breakthrough" - Luscious Jackson

  • My favorite saying? "Living in the Real World" - Blondie

  • Favorite place? "Wicked Little Town (Hedwig Version)" - Hedwig & the Angry Inch

  • What do I think of my parents? "Story High" - Tanya Donelly

  • What’s my porn star name? "Blackmail" - The Runaways

  • Where would I go on a first date? "Cocoon" - Björk

  • Drug of choice? "Too Late" - M83

  • Describe myself. "On a Clear Day (You Can See Forever)" - Barbra Streisand

  • What is the thing I like doing most? "Tatooed Love Boys" - The Pretenders

  • What is my state of mind like at the moment? "Like a Rolling Stone" - Bob Dylan

  • How will I die? "A Beautiful Dream" - Gabriel Yared

Rewind (Or, Back My Bitch Up)

I'd apologize for not posting...but, instead, I'm backtracking and posting make-up posts for my past week's absence.

So, scroll back...rewind...and pretend like you read the shit when it was current.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Call Me Ms. Rita (Or, The Best Thing)

Hands down, the best thing I heard on my recent roadtrip:

"Last night she was drinking margaritas like it was her job."

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Leni, Leni - Why You Buggin? (Or, Krautastic Tuesday)

I'm behind on posting...and writing this week's Krautastic Tuesday in the wee hours of the following Thursday. So, I'm busting a Jackie Collins / Sidney Sheldon / Herman Wouk move and turning this topic into a mini-series event.

I'm currently reading Steven Bach's comprehenisve biography / analysis Leni: The Life and Work of Leni Riefenstahl. Despite my intital misgivings about reading the book (I feared it would feel like an obligatory homework assignment), I'm flying through it. In between the obvious issues surrounding Riefenstahl (her status as both "most influential woman filmmaker" and "Hitler's filmmaker"), there's a whole lot of pulp. In some ways, I feel a little dirty reading this book - like I'm pounding through a steamy Jackie Collins novel poolside at a Motel in Fort Lauderdale sipping frozen margaritas and requesting a "massage" from a dubious character at the front desk. Although Bach isn't tawdry in chronicling Leni's many, many affairs, he is super detailed about how many lovers she had (and who she strung along and used to her advantage).

What I'm learning most about Riefenstahl (which, in hindsight, I should not be surprised about - at all) is that she was an ace opportunist and master spinster above all else. Before I began reading this book, I would have been a bit more of an apologist for her - giving her the benefit of the doubt and casting her as a "beauty freak" rather than a fountainhead of evil.

Now...I'm not at all so sure.

Which leads to next week's part two: Was Leni Just an Asshole?

I know - it goes without saying in some ways...discuss if you'd like.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Three Little Pictures (Or, Roadtrip Poetry)

Here are three shots from my recent roadtrip - I'd be more poetic and fluid and flowery and writerly, but I think the images say whatever I'd say better than I'd say it.

Friday, June 06, 2008

The Twelve Faces of T$ (Or, The Meme That Keeps On Memeing)

Above is my contribution to the Flickr Meme (as tagged by Shirley Shessamesexoriented)

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.
4. Tag as many people as you like. (I added this one.)

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name?

The answers:
1. T
2. Beef
3. Theodore Roosevelt High School
4. Dark Purple
5. Mr. F.
6. Martini
7. Tokyo
8. Strawberry Rhubarb Pie
9. Ernest Hemingway
10. Art
11. I forget
12. trevormess

I would tag away...but I'm feeling very zen this week (read: lazy), so if you'd like to pick this bitch up and take it for a spin, go right ahead.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Claiming My Carbon Footprint (Or, Something in the Air)

Somehow a week has slid by and I've let BV sit here...idling and idling and idling well.

I'd make some grand statement about being back and better than ever...but I'd rather go take a nap. I've been schlepping and working and working and schlepping and roadtripping and napping and driving and driving and driving.

Actually, I did so much driving, I'm thinking about owning a car. I haven't officially owned one since, uh, 1994. What I'd do with it on a daily basis in Manhattan, I have no I'm sure this fever dream will be decidedly short lived. I have to say, claiming my carbon footprint and speeding along highways and tearing up the ozone in a big, rented American car never felt so good.

I'll have more (maybe - no promises) from my roadtrip later on...I'm already itchy for another one.