Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Doggy Style (Or, Thank You for Your Useless Opinion)

Since I'm currently at a (huge, devastating, irredeemable) loss for words these days, I'm going to have to resort to a topic I've tried to steer clear of this past year: doggy talk.

Well, this isn't really going to be about squelching and squeezing and oohing and aahhing and aching and moaning and squealing like a bitch about how much I love my dog. Rather, this is going to be about the strange wonder he brings into my life on a daily basis.

By "strange wonder," I really mean "strangers that wonder and won't shut up."

For instance, Saturday night it was raining. I took Mr. B. for his usual late night poo/pee spin around the block. It wasn't raining hard at the time. Anyway, a gaggle of young queens stopped to say hello to Bobo and one of them thoughtfully interrogated me:

THE YOUNG AND THE TACTLESS: Why don't you have a coat for your dog? I mean, really. Don't you care about your dog?

ME: (through one mother of an extended eyeroll) No. I don't care about him. That's why I feed him and walk him and clean up his shit and spoil him. Because I don't care.

Of course that exchange was nothing compared to one I had at the end of August. Le chien had caught Bordatella (despite many expensive vaccinations) and was hacking nonstop. During a walk, an elderly woman (let's call her Miss Crazy Cracker) stopped me while Bobes was trying to eat a discarded chicken wing off the sidewalk.

MISS CRAZY CRACKER: You should really pay attention to your dog. He's choking on a chicken bone.

ME: No, it's not that. He has a cough.

MISS CC: No - he's choking! OH MY GOD HE'S CHOKING!

ME: No. He has a cough.

MISS CC: I see you don't care. Let me check his mouth.

ME: Uh...no. Thanks for your concern. But. Please. Continue. On. Your. Way.

MISS CC: HE'S CHOKING AND YOU DON'T CARE!

ME: Please leave us alone.

(At this point, most of lower Ninth Avenue is now watching our exchange).

MISS CC: PLEASE! He's CHOKING!

ME: Enough.

MISS CC: PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE DOGS!

ME: If you're such an expert, where's your dog?

MISS CC: He died last year.

ME: Clearly he must have died from annoyance.

A fountain of expletives then showered between us. I'm pretty sure I looked crazier than she did by the end of the tirade of F-bombs we shared.

Despite these types of situations, the good walking stories far outweigh the bad.

For instance, Bobo made friends with Ethan Hawke.

I gave him a spare poop bag.

4 comments:

Stephen J. Xanthos said...

LOL!

That was awesome.

My biggest pet peeve when walking my dog is when people start speaking to her and reach down to pet her without looking at me or before asking me first. Drives me up the effing wall.

People are generally morons when it comes to other people's dogs.

Anonymous said...

Hi I'd love to thank you for such a terrific made site!
I was sure this is a nice way to introduce myself!

Sincerely,
Laurence Todd
if you're ever bored check out my site!
[url=http://www.partyopedia.com/articles/soccer-party-supplies.html]soccer Party Supplies[/url].

Anonymous said...

Hey I'd like to congratulate you for such a great made forum!
Was thinking this is a nice way to introduce myself!
If you want to compile fortune it is usually a smart conclusion to begin a savings or investing system as soon in life as achievable. But don't despair if you have not begun saving your assets until later on in life. As a consequence of honest work, that is consulting the best investment vehicles for your money you can slowly but surely increase your riches so that it measures to a big sum by the period you wish to retire. Review all of the achievable asset classes from stocks to real estate as investments for your money. A smartly diversified portfolio of investments in various asset classes may help your money develop through the years.

-Ashlee Markgraf
[url=http://urwealthy.com]currency conversion [/url]

Anonymous said...

Hello. My wife and I bought our house about 6 months ago. It was a foreclosure and we were able to get a great deal on it. We also took advantage of the 8K tax credit so that definitely helped. We did an extensive remodeling job and now I want to refinance to cut the term to a 20 or 15 year loan. Does anyone know any good sites for mortgage information? Thanks!

Mike