Thursday, March 18, 2010

Happy St. Drunkass Day (Or, Unlucky Charms)

On the subway last night (yes, St. Patty's Day) heading downtown (yes, toward the Staten Island Ferry):

DRUNK WOMAN WITH BLADDER CONTROL ISSUES: Omigod I'm so glad we got this fuckin train. Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit we is lucky. But goddammit do I have to PEE. I mean this train better be express or some shit because I HAVE TO PEE and I can't even wait all the way until we git on that fuckin' ferry. (Train stops at 34th Street.) WHAT THE FUCK! Stop fuckin' stopping this train already because I HAVE TO PEE and I can't take it. (Rocking herself gently, she pauses in thought). You know I just want to stay in the city all night long and fuckin' PARTY. I was at this place on Friday and they kicked my ass out. Yeah, I got kicked out by some fuckin' bitch dudes. I mean why me? (Train stops at 28th Street.) JESUS CHRIST STOP STOPPING THE FUCKIN' TRAIN OR I'M GONNA PEE. (Leaping to her feet, she stops the door from closing so a man can enter). Holy shit man, I fuckin' saved you. I SAVED YOU! I seen that Mets hat on you and I said, I GOT TO STOP THIS TRAIN for this man. I SAVED YOU! (Train stops at 23rd Street. Now frightened man in Mets hat exits train). WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT! I fuckin' SAVED him and his Met hat and he gets off already? He was fuckin' fine. I would have jumped that ass if he was still on the train. WHAT THE FUCK? (Pauses in thought and turns to her friend). Are we even on the right fuckin' train? Where the fuck are we anyway. Christ the city sucks and I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD. (Train stops at 18th street.)

I get off, leaving Miss Piss on her merry way.

Yes, she was wearing a plastic green bowler hat - which I'm sure she considered taking off and using as a bedpan once she realized she had seven more stops to go before she got to the fuckin' ferry and she could fuckin' pee.

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