Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Underachieving Stripper (Or, Just Take Your Top Off Already)

By far one of the funniest exchanges I've heard recently:

"We went to the Slipper Room to see some burlesque. This one woman's striptease act was so bad."

"Why?"

"Well...she kind of forgot to take off her clothes."

***
Last night riding the subway home, I was definitely in the Subway-Car-of-Forgotten-Toys. The woman sitting next to me was mumbling to herself in drunken Spanish and was rocking back and forth violently while holding a tote bag covered in leaping dachshunds. I thought maybe she was having a seizure. I made the mistake of making eye contact...and I got the craziest, shit-eating grin from her in exchange. She winked at me and purred "Que rico." I immediately looked away and hoped the leaping-dachshunds-bag in her lap wasn't shielding a vibrator.

To kick things up a notch, an elderly man and woman sat down across the car. The man pulled his eyeglasses out of his pocket. One of the arms of his glasses unhinged and fell to the ground. The woman lept up and got down on all fours, trying to find the teeny tiny screw that clearly went AWOL. The man yelped: "I LOST THE SCREW, DAMMIT!" and slumped into a pout.

Of course, my new best friend Que Rico had been waiting for this bout of excitement. She also got down on all fours, still clutching the dachshund bag, and helped the woman attempt to find the missing screw.

"Those little screws...they are soo teeny, no?"

"We'll never find it! What will we do!"

"I don't know, honey. You gotta git one of those kits with the other little screws and put another little screw on it."

The man sat, still pouting, while his lady friend and Que Rico went to work. They eventually gave up on the search, but remained on all fours for a moment.

"Oh, I just love your bag."

"Is cute, no?"

"Yes, where did you get it."

"Is mine, ok."

I got off the train before Que Rico got fully loca.

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