Thursday, July 08, 2010

The Bunny Ranch (Or, Showpets)

Growing up, I used to kid my younger brother about the deliriously cheesy, unintentionally campy names he chose for his pets. To this day, he gets teased incessantly about the odd collection of monikers he assembled for his guinea pigs, goldfish, kitty cats, and dogs:

Amber
Angel
Bambi
Bimbo
Cassie
Ginger
Peaches
Pretty Boy

Last year, my sister-in-law broke down the list as such:

"Those aren't names for pets...they're names for strippers."

Now, that just makes me mad...at myself.

If I had only realized my brother was running a fuzzy pink brothel of sessy sexy times out of our family room, I could have made my brother's pre-teen life even more miserable.

"Hey Jason, Amber and Bambi have a couple of customers at the door...are Peaches and Pretty Boy done with their donkey show yet? Angel and Bimbo need to start a new round of antibiotics because Cassie's got the Clap with a side of Chlamydia."

Goddammit, did I miss out.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Even Cowgirls Get the Booze (Or, Dirty Diana)

Ok, two weeks have sputtered by and I didn't even bother to get hot and bothered up in here about how amazing I Am Love is (see previous entry).

Here are a few things to note and file for future reference this first day of July...

File Under: Things You Never Want to Hear Your Mother Say...

"Well, I still look like a cowgirl. I just don't ride like one anymore."

File Under: What to Do When Liquor Stores Are Closed...

New York State's favorite (and, yes, only) grocery store wine, the appropriately fancily named ChateĆ¢u Diana will get you drunk when all else fails...but you will have a headache for two days and a harmless game of dirty Scrabble will turn you (and by you, I mean me) into a raving, possibly-Turrets addled cunt.